Are those all for me?

That is exactly what I asked the phlebotomist today. She took 12, yes 12, vials of blood from me. I saw my midwife for my f/u today and she wants to run tests for Thrombophilia to see if that is why I'm having trouble with pregnancies. If it is, great, we can treat it. If it isn't, we can rule it out. I have mixed feelings on it. On one hand, I'd love to have a "reason" but on the other hand, do I need another complication? Either way, it is what it is and I won't know the results for a few weeks anyway.

I'm banging into work tomorrow (shhh, don't tell anyone). Actually, I already told my boss (who happens to be my mom) that I am sick tomorrow. She's fine with it. I love her. I'm going to hit the bank to do the August banking, go to BJ's and do a huge stock-up run, go to the library, and meet a friend for lunch who is in town from VA. We grew up together and don't get to see each other often. After that, I'm laying on the couch or in the pool. Whichever the weather dictates.

I think A and I will end up on the Cape this weekend with my mom. Given what is going on with SIL, I don't think we'll be having the joint b-day party this weekend for MIL and BIL. So, I'm hitting the road to give moral support to my mom and give C a weekend to himself. Anyone who knows my aunt knows why my mom needs moral support. Cuckoo-cuckoo. I love her but she's nuts. Anyway, the big question is when to go - Friday afternoon and pray I get down there before dinner (aka Tantrums R Us) or Sat AM. I think I'm leaning towards Sat AM so I can go to my meeting and then hit the road (not to mention have reinforcements for dinner time - hehe.)

That is all folks. Tonight is pizza night, budget night, and I'll squeeze some WiiFit in there somewhere. I need a vacation.

Very quick post and run

Two things:

1) Please think good thoughts for my SIL. She has a scheduled C-section for 8/18 but was just admitted for HBP. This is the same SIL who had my niece at 28 weeks b/c of pre-eclampsia. There is a good chance her C will be moved to tomorrow, if not earlier. I know baby Jacob is close enough but i'm still worried.

2) Amelia got a haircut last night :)

Eight years

That is how long C and I have been together. In fact, today is the anniversary of our first date 8 years ago! It's also MIL's B-day so I need to call her. Yes, my husband planned a first date for his mother's birthday! Good thing she likes me or I'd never hear the end of it! lol

I can't believe it's been 8 years. We've had our ups and downs just like anyone else but we are still here and for the most part, still in love. LOL. I'd like to think we've accomplished a lot during that time. We own our house (well, 1/10 of it and the bank owns the other 9/10), we are debt-free except for the house, and we have a beautiful, adorable, loving daughter. Honestly, life doesn't get much better than that. Love you babe!

PS - I lost 2.6 on Saturday! WOOHOO!!!

I don't understand life sometimes

I'm not as down as I was last night but I'm definitely still struggling. Honestly, I thought I was fine and I thought I was handling everything fine. I was wrong. It just took longer to hit me. I also found out today that friends of ours had a m/c at 4mos very recently. Is that even technically a m/c? She ended up also having to have a D&C. I just started crying all over again. To think that you are past the so-called magical number (12 weeks) only to lose your baby shortly after. I can't even imagine. So, P and L, I'm so so sorry and my thoughts are with you. Hugs guys.

Down, down, down

Yes, that is my mood. There are lots of things contributing to it so I'm just going to let it fly. I may offend or piss off some select people but I just don't care right now. If I don't find an outlet, I'm going to start throwing things and crying.

The first bane of my existence is my stupid fucking sewing machine. I called a place today that is 1/2 hour from my house and he said he could fix it. So, I left work early, picked it up at the first "highway robbery" place and drove there only to find out that he can't. He took one look at it and said "oh, that's electronic. I don't do those" Um, thanks buddy. So I wasted a few hours of time doing that. So I came home and made some calls and I have some leads on people to fix it. I have more calls to make tomorrow. In the meantime, I tried to cancel the last order I got and the woman refuses. WHATTHEFUCKITYFUCK??? I'm on the verge of putting it under my back tire and putting it in reverse.

I'm having issues regarding the dog discussion between C and I . It needs to be discussed with everything on the table. I don't want to go into more than that b/c it's not fair to him. We need to discuss it before it creates more resentment on my part.

Finally, I think the reality of the m/c is hitting me today. I've only broken down once since then so I figure I'm due for another breakdown. I just don't understand why this has to happen. It is what it is and I know it must have happened for a reason (what I'll never be able to figure out) but it doesn't make it any easier. Whenever I think about the fact that now I'm not having a baby in February, I just want to scream and throw things. I HATE THIS SO MUCH! I can't even read posts on E about pregnancy or posts from the girls that were due near me. It hurts too much.

I know I am SO SO SO lucky to have A and at times, I feel selfish for being so upset about losing a second child. But just b/c I have an awesome daughter does not mean I can't grieve for a lost child. It doesn't mean I am selfish for wanting a second child. But yet I feel that way when there are people who struggle so much with having one child. I feel like I have no right to complain. And I say this b/c when we were struggling to have A, I used to get irrationally upset with people who would complain about having trouble conceiving a second child. I used to think that they should be ok with the blessing that they did have. It's funny how being on the other side can change how you look at something.

It's Hump Day!

Honestly, I don't even feel like blogging tonight but I will anyway. I just finished my WiiFit workout - 33min, baby! Now DH is working out so I'm laughing at him. We do it b/c we love each other :P

Food wise, I'm doing pretty good this week. I still have a few Flexies left which is amazing. I've worked out every day since Saturday except last night. I also took A for a short walk tonight to get her out of the house for a bit. So, almost an hour of activity tonight. Granted the walk wasn't a strenuous one and was in flip-flops but it was a walk. One major thing is that we need sleep. A has been up in the middle of night for 3 straight nights and we are both wiped. I'm sleeping downstairs tonight in hopes of getting decent sleep. C is going to be tough guy if she wakes up tonight. I cave so he's the better one for it.

The exciting news is that I booked my cottage for next July 4 week in Truro! I'm so freaking excited I can't even tell you (yes I know it's a year away)!! A and I will be down for the week with my entire family! We will be 2 doors down from my mom and dad and all my aunts and uncles will be there too. It should be a lot of fun for both of us and I'm looking forward to it already. I've been wanting to do this for a few years now but it just finally came to fruition. C is going to come for a few days the first weekend but that will probably be it. He gets so bored on beach vacations and hates the tiny cottage so that will work for him. Then he gets a quiet week at home to himself!

The downside to the cottage thing is that b/c I will have A with me, I most like won't be going into P-Town at night or doing dinners out with the family. It's usually 7:30-8pm by the time they head out for anything and knowing A, her bedtime will be 7:30 even next year. I'm hoping that my mom or dad will hang back one night so I can go out but either way, I'll bring plenty of books and movies to keep me entertained.

Murphy's Law

Some days I feel like if I didn't have bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. Poor A was up from about 3-5am (I say about b/c I honestly have no idea what time we all got back to sleep) and we all overslept until 6:30 this AM. So things were a little rushed. Then C's car wouldn't start - thankfully it did start with a jump. Of course, I was the last one to drive his car so I'm thinking that I caused the dead battery but I don't know how :( Either way, it started which is all that matters.

So given that we all got up so late, I was late for work. Only by like 15 minutes but I still don't like to be late especially when I get so mad at my employees for being late. At lunch I called to check on the estimate for my sewing machine repair. Um yeah, $230 for a $350 machine. I don't think so. So I need to go pick it up and call around to see if anyone can fix it cheaper. In the meantime, I'm trying to get a hold of a loaner machine from someone so I can finish the work I have in progress. I might just end up refunding my last order b/c I'm so far behind at this point. I don't know what to do about sewing right now. I don't want to give it up but time may force me into cutting back a lot. I guess we'll see how much the repair actually costs me.

From a WW standpoint, I was OP all weekend! And did WiiFit both Sat and Sun nights! I'm planning to do it Mon-Thur this week b/c I'll be out on Fri and Sat nights. I'm going to have to be good on Friday night so I don't blow my WI on Saturday but on Saturday, I'm drinking. Heavily.

Todays Meal Plan:

B: coffee, b'fast wrap (5)
S: banana (1 - i refuse to count more than 1 for a banana)
L: leftover Lo Mein, watermelon (11)
S: plum (1)
D: fish sticks, french fries, peas or green beans (12)

Total: 30
I'm planning to earn 2 AP's tonight so 1 will go towards my day.

In case you need a smile . . .

Back to the grind

Well I went back to my WW meeting today. I really missed it and it almost felt like coming home. I only gained 2.6lbs in the 7 weeks I was MIA so I'm pretty happy about that. I had visions of gaining all 15lbs back!

So, I journaled today and even fit in a piece of heavenly ice cream cake. And C and I just finished a round of WiiFit - 26min for me! And I was sweating! Plus I pushed A around the zoo in the stroller this AM in 90+ degree heat! OMG was it hot!! I had the opportunity to meet Kara (bwoodgirl) and she is so sweet and Sadie is so freaking cute!!!

We are having dinner with my family tomorrow before my brother heads back to San Fran. I'm really looking forward to it and I'm even happier that I still have some Flex Points b/c I'm sure it will be pizza. I am sad to see him leave though. But they will be back in August for a wedding and I'm still planning to head out there in September.

I'm toying with starting the Couch to 5K again. I just wonder if I'm just too out of shape right now and maybe I should wait until I take more weight off - maybe another 15lbs? I just don't know. I do know that I miss running and it's great for weight loss (at least for me). Another issue is finding the time. If I can get my ass out of bed at 5am, I can do it 3 mornings a week but that is a big IF.

U/S update

We saw what we expected - still no baby and no sac this time either. So the good news (if that is possible) is that I do not need a D&C. The bad news is obvious here. I think as much as we prepared ourselves for this, it was still a huge disappointment. I know that C tries to be a rock for me but I could see that he was having a tough time too.

So we came back to town and hit Toys R Us and bought A a bunch of new toys. Retail therapy is the best. Then we had some quality pool time. She loves it when you hold her and hop around the pool. We had some good waves going and the water splashed on her face and over her head a few times and she loved it! She was laughing so hard! It did our hearts good.

Now I feel like I can finally move on. This whole past week I was holding on for a miracle. What I realized tonight is that I have a miracle, my sweet baby girl. She makes it all ok.

Healing . . .

C and I are surviving. Thankfully we have A and her smiles and laughs are getting us through this. I had a business trip to NY this week (lovely timing, huh?) and as usual C was a rockstar. He really is SuperDad. Anyway, while I was gone, we emailed about our future plans for TTC#2, finances, and our health. The one thing I realized is that I hate being an adult! lol

I have an u/s tomorrow to just check on "things" and confirm that everything that should have passed did in fact pass. Freaking joy. I swear to Scooby if my body totally effed me and didn't pass everything and I need a D&C, I will freakthefuck out. C will need to have me sedated. So, I'm praying that it goes ok and we see what we need to see. Total TMI but I'm still bleeding but not nearly as bad. I hope that is a good sign.

We've decided to hold off on #2 for a bit. I think we both need to heal emotionally and we definitely need to get healthy. I need to lose more weight and he needs to lose a little weight but more importantly, get his cholesterol under control. I need to get on the scale and see how much of my 15lbs I gained back while my body pretended to be pregnant. I'm going back to my WW meeting on Saturday and I will succeed again. We've decided to take things in 3 month intervals. We'll work on our health for 3 months and if we are in a groove and doing great, we'll keep going for another 3 and so on for up to a year. Yes, I know it's a pretty specific schedule but we need it. Of course, knowing us, we'll get impatient and start trying sooner. But we need to make our health a priority b/c we are not young parents and Amelia needs us. So, this blog will be going back to being a weight loss blog. I know you are excited :P

Financially we need to do more work to the house, save for new cars, and build up our emergency fund more. Sounds like fun, right? lol It won't be but we need to do it. Our cars have over 100K miles right now so we need to think ahead so we aren't faced with an unexpected car payment.

Well, I'm home and very happy to be here. I missed my family so much. I need to not travel but I realize that sometimes it's out of my control.

My heart hurts

I started bleeding on Thursday and we had an ultrasound yesterday and there is no baby :( There is a sac but no baby. Over the course of last night, I was cramping pretty badly and bleeding pretty badly. I have no idea if this process is over yet or not but right now, I feel pretty good physically. But my heart hurts.

Why does this have to happen??? Why does it have to happen twice??? Were we only meant to have 1 child, our miracle? I'm having trouble having faith right now - faith that things will work out the way they are supposed to. I was on the fence about having #2 from the beginning for a few reasons but this experience has made me realize that our family is not complete right now. I want a second child.

Thankfully my mom is spreading the word to my family. We had told them all last weekend down the Cape and now I remember why we had waited 12 weeks with A. We'll be waiting again the next time. I think we were too confident given that everything had worked out with my pg with A. Lesson learned.